Postpartum Rage
Understanding Your Postpartum Emotions
For centuries, women have been taught that anger is unbecoming. We’ve been conditioned to label our anger as ‘frustration’ or ‘confusion,’ - and we've been taught to celebrate our ability to hide it. But what if anger is not inherently destructive or the enemy we’ve been led to believe? What if we reframe our understanding of anger to see how it’s actually serving a purpose?
“Just weeks after I had given birth to my first baby I found myself in sudden bursts of anger and rage that felt like they would come out of nowhere. Oftentimes, it was when my partner was being the most supportive that I would be overcome with intense feelings of anger; I would have outbursts that I could see happening but couldn’t stop. It was like being possessed - and I was powerless to do anything about it.”
Like many of the women I work with, I was confused and sometimes ashamed at feeling so angry as a new mom. I had thoughts like, “this should be one of the happiest moments of my life,” or, “I have nothing to feel angry about.” I assumed that every other mother must be handling parenthood better than me.
If you can relate to feeling like you are going to explode, even over the smallest things- you are not alone, and feeling anger doesn’t make you a bad parent or a bad person.
There Is Hope
What helped me find my way out of postpartum rage was engaging my curiosity: I wondered what my anger was really trying to communicate to me. What messages had I internalized about anger? What if I leaned into my anger instead of resisting or repressing it?
In hindsight, I can see that I didn’t have context for my experience. Now, I see very clearly that fear (or anxiety) was driving the rage. These episodes of anger would worsen as the day went on and peak the closer it got to bedtime. I believe now that my fear increased as I worried whether I was going to get any sleep.
Building Emotional Awareness
In my postpartum experience, gaining awareness about my emotional state allowed me to consciously choose my responses. I could more effectively apply communication skills, use strategies to shift my inner state, and cope with the intensity of emotions and sensations.
Before we even have the thought that we are angry, the physiological response in the body has already begun. Typically, an increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, muscle tension, the release of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol (feeling charged), tight jaw, clenched fists, feeling hot, and tense shoulders. These changes are preparing the body for action, often called the "fight or flight" response. And they are signals to help us understand how we are feeling.
“Anger says “I’m getting something I don’t want” or “I’m not getting what I want””
It is our body’s way of protecting us - a fortress guarding our most vulnerable selves. It signals that something isn’t right, that our needs are unmet or our boundaries crossed.
Think, pushing away: “ I don’t want this;” or a tantrum, “I’m not getting what I want!”
It’s common to label anger frustration, irritation, outrage, or resentment. However, as a therapist, I try to group these as anger to simplify our understanding of what is going on in our bodies. When we can access and utilize our anger effectively, we can set concrete boundaries and clearly communicate what we want and need.
As I highlighted with my own story, anger can also be accompanied by sadness and fear.
Fear says: “There’s a threat!” “I’m at risk.” Or, “I’m in danger”.
In my case, it was the threat of not being able to get rest/sleep. Our response to the fear can mean fighting, running away, or just freezing. If we get activated by fear, anger my step-in to protect us. Rage = mobilized (or fighting) fear.
Sadness tells us that we are experiencing some kind of loss.
This can be actual loss in the present moment, imagined or anticipated loss. Many people don’t know that irritability (lets call it what it is, anger!) is on the list for almost all the perinatal mood disorders. Perinatal depression, sadness, and grief, can be accompanied by anger.
Losses that might contribute to anger in your pregnancy or postpartum could include
Loss of bodily autonomy or feeling like your body belongs to you
Loss of control
Pregnancy loss or stillbirth
Loss of the “golden hour” if your baby was taken to the NICU
Loss of independence and freedom that comes with becoming a parent
Loss of the previous relationship you had with your partner
Loss of what you wanted your education or career goals to look like
(and infinitely more possibilities)
The interconnectedness of all of these emotional experiences speaks to the importance of building awareness and developing tools for how to communicate those feelings and respond effectively. If we attend to the “loudest” sensations, we are then able to start moving our bodies and moving energy to identify if there’s anything else going on underneath.
Have Compassion
If you experience postpartum depression or anxiety that is accompanied by anger or rage, have compassion for yourself and your body. The bubbling up of the intense energy is your body’s way of getting your attention and alerting you to intrusions or unmet needs. Once we identify the need, we can communicate it and get support from our partners, friends, family, or birth team (midwives, doulas, etc)
Our suggestions for fostering self-compassion around feeling and expression anger:
Give yourself grace! Many of us were never shown how to navigate it in ways that helped protect, guard, and serve us.
Remember, anger is not dangerous, and it does not have to be scary or damaging if we know what to do with it.
We can practice allowing acceptance as we sit and learn from our anger and lean into it instead of repressing and resisting it.
Take clues from anger to define your boundaries
Being empowered in our emotional awareness means we can stand powerfully and communicate our feelings and needs to those around us.
Looking for More Support?
Seek out a therapist trained in maternal mental health! Individual sessions can help you make sense of what you’re feeling and make a game plan to support your well being! You can schedule with either Nova therapist here!
If you’re looking for other providers check out the utah maternal mental health network- https://maternalmentalhealth.utah.gov/
Attend a Support Group. Nova has a Pregnancy and Postpartum Group starting on September 9th 2024. Mondays 7:00-8:30pm for 8 weeks.
