Knowing Yourself in Motherhood

Tonight, my daughter (age 5) said something that hit me hard. In the heat of bedtime battles, she looked at me and said, “You’re nothing after all, Mom.”

She was angry. I was angry. The evening had spiraled out of control. Bedtime was dragging on, the kids were conspiring to stay awake, coming out of their room, running down the hall, doing everything but settling down. I heard her whisper to her brother, “I’ll keep doing things, and she’ll get really mad, and then she’ll have to sit in here.” And it worked. She was right. I ended up staying in their room, drained and defeated, wondering how we got to this point.

And then came her words: “You’re not as kind as dad, You’re nothing after all, Mom.”

My first reaction was anger, “how could you say that to me?” followed by a gut punch of inadequacy. Exhaustion wrapped around me like a weight and I felt the big emotional crash from a really fun day skiing as a family.

Some days I am able to let these kind of comments go like water off a ducks back. When one of my kids says “I love dad more!” I can just respond calmly “I love dad too!

Except tonight, teary eyed, sitting in the dark, hoping they will finally go to sleep it hurt me. I wondered, Why is this upsetting me so much? I know she doesn’t believe what she said, and I know I don’t believe what she said.

I contemplated how my feeling isn’t really about what my daughter said. It’s about me.

Motherhood and the Fragility of Ego

Parenting, at its core, is not designed to feed our egos. Yet so many of us—myself included—fall into the trap of letting our children’s words, actions, or even moods dictate how we see ourselves. When they’re loving, we feel worthy. When they’re defiant or angry, it’s easy to internalize their words as a reflection of our failure.

But this is a dangerous game. Seeking meaning or validation from how our children act or how they view us is like building a house on shifting sand. Kids, especially young ones, are impulsive and emotional. They are mirrors reflecting not just us but also their own needs, frustrations, and developmental chaos. Their words, however sharp or tender, are not the truth about who we are.

As parents, we cannot outsource our self-worth to our children.

The Importance of Knowing Yourself

If we rely on our kids to strengthen our ego, we set ourselves—and them—up for failure. We create a dynamic where their behavior or words have the power to define us, and that’s an impossible weight for them to carry. Kids aren’t responsible for making us feel whole. That’s our job.

Motherhood, I’ve learned, requires a radical sense of self. You have to know who you are at your core, or you’ll be thrown off balance by every tantrum, every harsh word, and every time your child tells you, “Dad is kinder” or “I love dad more”. You’ll waver and lose yourself, trying to earn their approval, trying to quiet the insecurities they unknowingly activate.

This doesn’t mean their words don’t sting—they do. And it doesn’t mean we can’t reflect on what they’re trying to tell us. But there’s a difference between reflecting and letting their words define us.

The Work of Motherhood (and Selfhood)

Moments like this, are where the work lies. Not in punishing or controlling my daughter’s outbursts, but in turning inward to ask myself why her words hurt so much. What story am I telling myself about what it means to be a “good mom”? What old wound has been reopened? And how can I separate my self-worth from her opinion of me?

I don’t have all the answers yet. But I know this much: the key to finding peace in motherhood—and in life—is to stop looking outside ourselves for the answers.

We live in a culture that glorifies motherhood as the ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate source of meaning. But when we make motherhood the sole source of our identity, we set ourselves up for resentment, guilt, and disillusionment. Our children, like all humans, are imperfect. They will love us, hurt us, and sometimes push us away. And if we’ve tied our sense of self to how they see us, or how “well” we are parenting, we risk losing ourselves in the process.

Learning to Hold Ourselves

Tonight, my child’s words reminded me that the foundation of motherhood isn’t about being perfect or even being seen as perfect. It’s about being whole. It’s about knowing who you are outside of your role as a parent and holding onto that when your children are testing your limits or reflecting back your worst fears.

Motherhood isn’t about being everything to everyone. It’s about being enough for yourself. When we know ourselves deeply—our strengths, our insecurities, our worth—we can show up for our kids without needing their validation to feel okay.

So today, I’m choosing to sit with this moment, not as a failure but as an invitation. An invitation to explore what’s within me, to untangle the stories I’ve told myself about being “nothing after all,” and to show up tomorrow a little more grounded in who I am, no matter what the day brings.

Because motherhood is fragile and fleeting, but the self we build within it can be steady and strong. That’s the work. That’s the meaning.

And that’s enough.