You Are Enough: Letting Go of the Myth of Perfection in Motherhood
“When have I done enough?”
Motherhood has a way of raising our expectations of ourselves while amplifying our insecurities. Between diaper changes, managing appointments, daycare drop-offs, work responsibilities…modern parenting presents us with endless pressures and it’s easy to feel like you’re falling short.
On top of our expectations of ourselves, we are bathed in a culture that demands we do it all- and do it perfectly. Social media magnifies these expectations by highlighting reels of perfect family outings, home-cooked meals, and flawless postpartum bodies. What these snapshots don’t show are sleepless nights, meltdowns in the grocery store, messy houses, and moments of self-doubt.
This perfectionistic culture is particularly ingrained in many areas, I’m looking at you Utah, where high standards are meant to serve as powerful motivators. However, when taken to extremes, this mindset can become detrimental, leading to feelings of inadequacy and shame. The challenge lies in finding a balance—leveraging our aspirations as a source of motivation without allowing it to devolve into debilitating self-criticism.
A Lesson in “Enough”
As a therapist at an addiction treatment facility, I facilitate process groups throughout the week, providing individuals with hours of therapy over the course of several months. During one session, I assigned a client the task of creating the check-in question for the group. He wrote on the board, “How do I know I’ve done enough this week?”
Each person read the question, and I observed them begin to reflect on how they would answer. One older woman spoke up first: “No matter what I do, there will always be a way I could be doing more. There is no answer to this question because I should always be doing more.” After a brief pause, a young man sitting next to me responded, “I know exactly what I did this week, and I can name three accomplishments that show me I did enough.” The older woman was visibly surprised and asked, “How could you know that?”
The young man shared his insight: after experiencing multiple relapses, he had learned that without celebrating and acknowledging even the smallest victories each day and week, he would never feel he was enough. He explained that the thought “I am not enough” perpetually fueled shame, which in turn led to isolation and ultimately, relapse.
His self-awareness and pride became a powerful catalyst for his healing. He demonstrated to everyone in the group that we are enough as we are. Too often, we fall into the trap of thinking, “I can always do more, be more, improve.” While this mindset may stem from the belief that guilt can serve as a powerful motivator, it often shifts into shame.
The Weight of Shame in Motherhood
As mothers, we can get stuck in a shame-based thought pattern:
“I am a terrible mom, others are so much better at this”
“I’m always working to get things done and never spend quality time with my kids”
“I let my child have too much screen time”
“I should try harder at breastfeeding” or “If I tried hard at breastfeeding xyz wouldn’t have occurred”
“I can’t remember the last time I felt the capacity to get myself ready”
“I always have to be the responsible parent”
“I'm never doing enough”
“There is always more I could be doing”
“Everyone else can do so much, am I the only one struggling?”
“My child is hitting so much, what did I do wrong?”
“I can barely survive the day, I’ll never be the best parent to my kids”
Shame breeds self-doubt, and the harmful thought of “I am a failure” can become all-consuming. To overcome this, we must actively challenge and redirect these negative thought patterns. As the young man learned through difficult circumstances, shifting this mindset starts with a few key practices.
Practical Strategies to Combat “Not Enough” Thinking
Here are some ways to begin dismantling shame and building a healthier mindset around motherhood:
Acknowledge your accomplishments: Recognize and celebrate even the smallest victories. Before bed, take a moment to write down three things you accomplished today no matter how small.
Keep a journal: Regularly document your progress, thoughts, and feelings to reflect on your growth.
Focus on growth rather than perfection: Perfection is unattainable, and growth is often nonlinear. Embrace where you are in your journey and choose specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time specific goals. Small changes really DO add up over time.
Celebrate milestones: Take time to recognize and celebrate each step forward, no matter how small.
Create a “wins” list: Track your accomplishments to remind yourself of your progress and build confidence. You can involve your kids by creating a family wins jar and add everyone’s small victories from the week. On tough days, revisit the jar to remind yourself of good moments.
Openly share your accomplishments: Be vulnerable by sharing your successes with others; this reinforces positive reinforcement and accountability.
Lean on Your Village: Motherhood isn’t meant to be a solo journey. Reach out to your partner, family, or community. Joining a support group can help you find solidarity with other parents who feel the same way.
Moving from Shame to Self-Acceptance
Shame tells us, “You’ll never be good enough,” but it lies. It’s an unkind voice in your head that thrives on comparison and fear. To counteract it, we must rewrite the script: “I’m doing my best, and that is enough.” Take pride in your journey. This is your story, your narrative, and you have the power to shape it as you wish. This also provides incredible modeling for our kids. When we shift our inner dialogue, we teach our children to do the same and raising a child who feels confident, not because they’re perfect, but because they know they are loved for who they are
You Are Enough
It is not your accomplishments, productivity, or any other external measure that determines your value. As we begin to move away from shame and self-doubt, and build a healthier perspective, we come to a profound realization: I am enough—and I always have been.
If you’re struggling with these feelings, know you’re not alone. At ThriveWithNova, we’re here to support you on your journey to embracing your self on this motherhood journey.
