Getting What You Want
As a therapist I spend a lot of time in my sessions working with clients on identifying what they really want. A lot of the time I hear that it feels selfish to ask for or get what we want and that instead we should compromise or try and focus on what *the other person* might want or need. This applies to romantic partners, friends, co-workers/bosses, and kids. I try to understand what barriers might exist to my client getting what they want, and then emphasize the possibility that everyone can get everything they want- even if this seems like a far off dream at first.
Despite my so-called expertise in this area, I’m admittedly not always very good at applying these concepts to myself. Especially when it comes to parenting. I carry around this idea that when my kids are awake (3 y.o., and 9 m.o.) and I’m the one in charge of taking care of them that all my attention has to be on their needs and engaging in their world. During these times I definitely have things that I want to do, but I’m usually putting them off until they are napping or my partner or a grandparent takes over “kid duty”.
It occurred to me again this week (i’m sure i’ve had this realization before) that there has to be some way for me to get what I want, and for my kids to get what they want. I can fulfill my responsibilities as a parent without giving up on what I want to do and how I want to feel. The morning of this realization- instead of reluctantly watching my daughter (3 y.o.) play for an hour before school and wishing I had that time to do work, I said to her that I wanted to go downstairs and work on the computer. I invited her to have her tea party downstairs instead. She played for a while and then watched Mickey Mouse Clubouse on half the computer screen while I sent emails on the other half.
This was one of the best mornings in my recent memory. We both got what we wanted with that first hour of the day, we had breakfast, I braided her hair (which was a first), and I sent her off to school feeling peaceful and with my patience still intact.
I want more days like this. I want to practice asking myself what I want in my day beyond the necessities (daycare drop off, work, dinner, walking the dog). I’d like to pass this same skill onto my kids. Can they notice and ask for what they really want, can we work together to make that happen?
For any other parents out there looking for the same, I offer you this:
